Some time ago, I had an interesting conversation with a pastor.
He found out that I was going to be appointed elsewhere to start my probationary membership.
I told him that, though it may not matter, I asked the DS and the Cabinet not to place me in a Korean church.

He went on saying that we second generation Koreans are idealizing the “white” churches way too much. There may be some truth to that. Generally, it seems like the American congregation tends to show more grace toward their pastor than the Korean congregations.

He went on saying that every church has its problems. (Of course. Church is filled with and led by sinners)
And he started to talk about all the things that he does in the church: the visitations, the meetings, the counseling, and so forth. He then said, “Do you think that we pastors enjoy being pastors? It’s hard to enjoy being a pastor at a Korean church. No one enjoys it, but things must get done, and we must do it.”

I don’t know why I thought of that today, but I was very troubled by it.
What did he mean that he didn’t enjoy being a pastor?
Being the Koreans that we are, me being young, him being old(er), there was no way for me to politely suggest and alternative approach.

Thinking of that comment made me real sad, because I’m sure that he is not the only Korean pastor who feels that way.
If you don’t enjoy it, how can you convey the love and joy of serving God, or the enjoyment of coming to church?
Am I too young and naive because I still enjoy being a pastor?
The comment reminded me of Reverend Lovejoy from the Simpsons, who has no love or joy for his ministry.
The problem? I think the pastor is just burned out, and the pride and ego of us Koreans would never allow us to admit it.

I’m sure his kids miss spending time with them. My prayer is that his kids will not grow to resent the church for taking their father away from them. (Many Korean PKs resent the church because of this. I am curious to know if American PKs do the same.)

I don’t know why so many pastors refuse to take vacations. The church will still be standing when you return. Members will still attend the church after your vacations. Your lay leaders will not preach heretical things and have you find them worshiping a golden calf upon your return.

I do get annoyed with the little things at church. The paperwork. Many meetings. Some of the youth here and there.
But I still love what I do. And more importantly, I’m desperately in love with God and want to serve Him with all that I am, despite who I am.

I hope that I never come to a point where I’m so jaded that I resent my duties.
I hope that I never attempt to become a superpastor and try to do everything.

I am learning the best thing that I can do as a pastor is to be real and to live out the gospel as best as I can. No one’s perfect. I hope I never pretend to be.

As if things can’t get more confusing in the appointment process, it has.
I have no idea what’s going on.
But it is rather interesting to see where I will end up.
I just wish I could know a lot sooner.
So, the question is, God where do you want me to go?

I’m in the process of waiting for an appointment.
And I have yet to receive word about where I may be when I am officially a probationary member.

This process has been frustrating and has filled me with anxiety. Although it shouldn’t.
My DS has been sick, so I haven’t been able to talk to him since the cabinet meeting.

There’s nothing I can do about it.
I just have to wait and be patient and trust that God has something planned for me.

So here I am, waiting. And trusting.

Last week, I went on a five day fast.
The main reason was my upcoming appointment and that God will lead me to the right place. Also that I will listen to make sure that it is his will and not mine.
It was also a time to remind myself about the 20 days I am supposed to do, but couldn’t for various (and legitimate) reasons.

It was time well spent. It made me look again at the “man does not live by bread alone” verse.
Though I was physically spent and tired, especially by the last full day, there was a joy in me that couldn’t be extinguished.

I still don’t know what my fate is. And the cabinet was meeting this week. But I am not as anxious and nervous as I was before. I know that God’s behind all of this and the cabinet members as well.

I think fasting is an important spiritual discipline, and something that we can learn and gain from. I don’t recommend that you go all crazy like my family, but I really would urge you to consider fasting. And fasting isn’t limited to just food. I think a media fast would help clear my mind a great deal.

The funny thing was, even though it was only five days, my body felt a lot heavier and I was a lot more tired after my first meal. I just didn’t want to get up and do anything, which was horrible because I broke fast last Sunday.

Yesterday, I got the okay to start eating whatever I wanted to. (From Sunday to Tuesday, my meals consisted of “jook” (Korean porridge) and fish. (I hate fish). After the okay from my dad, I finally got to eat pizza for dinner. But today, oh yes today, it’s time for a burger and some fries.

God is good.