I wanted to avoid writing about this. I can’t tell you why I didn’t want to talk about it. Not because it’s a secret, but simply, I don’t know why I didn’t want to write about it.
But it’s been consuming my mind more than anything this month.
I have sent off my ordination exams to the registrar of BOOM (Board of Ordained Ministry).
Now the oh-so-fun waiting game begins.
While I feel relieved that this is off my plate, I can’t help but feel bittersweet and … anxious about the whole thing.
I haven’t given myself to separate the emotions that go along with everything, so take what I say with a grain of salt.
I can’t help but think that this is the last time I put myself through this, regardless of the outcome.
If I pass my papers and pass my interviews, thanks be to God, because I know that would only be possible through God’s grace.
But if I stumble again through the process… at some point, I have to realize that what the UMC is looking for just might not be who I am called to be. Or there is something so fundamentally flawed within me, that I need to go and really address that and fix that.
I have never questioned my call into ministry. I know that with all I am, God has called me into a life of professional ministry. However, over the past few weeks, I have been questioning my call into the United Methodist Church. I know my theology will always be heavily Wesleyan influenced. Methodism is a part of my thinking and living within ministry.
But… I can picture myself doing ministry outside of the polity of the United Methodism. Do I want to? I’m not sure…
I’ll revisit this thought when I need to. And, who knows, I may never need to.
But, as I send the papers away, I know that my loyalty lies within God and that my life depends on God.
Where God chooses to use me, I will go. Even if that means that I will no longer be affiliated with the cross and flame.
And, I’m more okay with that than I thought I’d be…
Only time will tell.